I recently got a new job at a local bar. After defending my dissertation and graduating from my doctoral program, I spent months looking for work but learned the hard way how precarious it is to find employment when you have a PhD. Employees take a look at your resumé and wonder how someone with that much education is applying for entry level work. It was so discouraging, wondering if getting that degree was even worth it. I decided to find a job the old-fashioned way: get a stack of resumés and find whoever was hiring. With every business I went to, I decided to be upfront with them- I told them I recently completed my doctorate and plan on applying to academic jobs in the Fall, but I also need some kind of employment in the meantime. Some places told me immediately that they weren’t interested if I wasn’t planning on staying long term. Others saw my resumé, humored me, then showed me out. I ended up applying at a bar not far from me. The guy I spoke to was also really nice. When he called me later for an interview, I was so happy! I remember walking in for the interview, telling myself, This may be the closest thing you have to employment. Just breathe in, breath out, and you’ll be fine. We had the interview and a few days later, then he invited me to a working interview, where you work a shift to see how you would do. I think they really liked me- they offered me the job immediately after. It felt nice. I went home after, feeling a little more confident about my future and my job prospects.

Breathe In, Breathe Out….

I felt rejuvenated walking in to work, with hope and opportunity now at my fingertips. It was only a matter of time though before I began wrestling with my inner demons, wondering if this was the right move. According to me, my bartending days were over, in the rearview mirror of my academic trajectory. Somehow, I ended up taking a wrong turn, hydroplaning into a ditch. Is this regression? Am I Sisyphus, doomed to manual labor for the rest of my life? With every shift, I feel like I’m just barely crawling out of the ditch I crashed into, my breath taken out of me, in a car crash-induced daze, wondering what direction I need to be moving towards. It’s so easy to complain, until I remember life before this crash. When I come to, I remember how bad the job market was, and how close I was to impending emaciation, disappearing into the nothingness of life after a PhD. I walk into work, my hands intermittently balling into fists, jaw clenched, and tell myself, Breathe in, breathe out, and you’ll be fine. My interior monologue is good at dictating what I need to do at that moment so I can do my job well. Even behind the bar, my PhD days are still with me, reminding me that I am climbing towards something, however long it may take.

Breathe In, Breath Out…

What is work?

Each tick, I feel ascension
Every tock, gravity swats me down.

Every tick pulls every muscle in the directions
my job needs them to. I become an automaton,
serving one function, whichever one is immediately
in front of me. Room for thinking and
introspection is now filled with labor and the smells
of food and beverages. When I clock in, my manager
greets me with a smile as he flips the switch behind my ear.

There are voices, requests, dings, buzzing, none of
which asking me about my studies.
My smile is a mask, protecting guests from an
existential crisis, from me screaming underneath
as I tell them “Have a good night”.

I have dreams and ambitions. I want to change the world.
I want to improve the lives of others. I wish to pursue
the efforts of the artists and thinkers that came before
me. My body, heart, and soul are primed for them.

Another tock.

Breathe In, Breathe Ou-

-Did you give them dumplings?!?!

-Wait- what? What dumplings?

-That table! Did you give them dumplings?!

-Oh, yeah- they asked about their order, and…oh shit.

-Why didn’t you ask a manager?

-They just asked where their dumplings were. I didn’t think-

-You’re not here to think! You do your job, and if there’s a problem, you ask someone.

-But I can fix this!

-You didn’t. And now we just gave away food.

-(defeated sigh) I could have taken care of this problem…

-Your job consists of several tasks. You have no reason to do more than that. Focus on dishes and nothing else.

-(long pause) Okay. (our protagonist walks back to his station, pretending his feet don’t hurt after hours of running to tables collecting plates and wearing a fake smile)

Just breathe for now…

I’m beginning to see the flaw in this model.

What if this job takes me away from my original plan?
At home, I need to keep pursuing my goals, but if I’m
Not doing that, what’s the point? I’m not even sure if
There’s enough time in the day anymore.

This process is getting in the way of my dreams,
Obfuscating what I actually want. Am I doomed here?

Questions flood my head after every shift. I’m
Unraveling, at a job I don’t plan to keep.
It feels like I’m waiting for something
To get me out of here, someday at least.

Breathe In, Breath Out, And In Again

My weeks felt aimless. I pitched to various magazines with no success. Your Aunt Chana lent me another two hundred dollars; I burned it all on a scam bartending school. I delivered food for a small deli in Park Slope. In New York, everyone wanted to know your occupation. I told people I was “trying to be a writer”- from Ta-Nehisi Coates’ “Between the World and Me”

I believe with enough will and effort I can beat the odds. This isn’t just professional vanity. It’s a part of good medicine- from Atul Gawande’s “Complications”

Human knowledge is never contained in one person. It grows from the relationships we create between each other and the world, and still it is never complete- from Paul Kalanithi’s “When Breath Becomes Air”

Start with what you want to achieve, instead of limiting yourself to what’s realistic or sustainable. Or, as I like to say, don’t ruin a story with the facts. Eventually, you’ll reverse engineer your great idea and figure out what’s possible and cost-effective and all the other boring grown-up stuff- from Will Guidara’s “Unreasonable Hospitality”

-The Minjin of the past accepted him for who he was, and the Minjin of the present accepted who he had been. Life felt as though it had come full circle.
The morning after they’d stayed up almost the whole night chatting, Sungchul, who had woken up earlier, shook him awake. When he opened his eyes blearily, Sungchul said, “I want to ask you something before I go”.
-Minjun propped himself up.
-“What?”
-“What happened to the holes?”
-“The holes?”
-“Yeah, you said you made the buttons but were stuck because there were no holes. How is it now?”
-Mijun shook his head, trying to chase away the sleepiness. He stared up at his friend, a thoughtful look on his face. “Easy. I changed my shirt. This time, I cut the holes first before I made the buttons that fit. Now, the shirt is buttoned up nicely”- from Hwang Bo-Reum’s Welcome to the Hyunam-Dong Bookshop

I’ll stay for now. I need more time to think. About what I want to do, where I want to go. I want to take time and think about those things- from Haruki Murakami’s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

Breathe In, Breathe Out

The Perfect (Shift) Negroni

1 oz. Gin (Bombay Sapphire is my preference, Plymouth a close second)
1 oz. Sweet Vermouth (so long as it’s been chilled)
1 oz. Campari (a Negroni is not a “Negroni” without this)

Start by collecting all ingredients. The only way you can reach them is to be scheduled to a shift working behind the bar. When you’re lucky enough to get that shift, gather all ingredients and pour them into your mixing glass via measurement. All of your prep tools are at your side because the person who worked before you arranged everything for you. Add ice to your mixing glass from your well. This is the most laborious part of your job. As you pour all ingredients in your glass and stir, reflect on how this is the best shift you’ve had in months. Look up at your guests for them to see the radiant glow from someone who pours their heart into what they do. As you serve, flash your guest a smile that says, “This drink was made by someone who loves their job”. Add orange garnish.

Breathe In, Breathe Out, then Close Your Eyes

It’s almost three in the morning, and I am so beat. I light a candle to help drift into sleep, reflecting on what is in front of me head bent in meditation like a praying mantis only to sift through so much noise the buzzing from my body after working ten hours on my feet and looming deadlines and reality in search for truth something my PhD program taught me through vigorous labor even when I enjoyed it negotiating with myself about what is possible versus what I want as I aspire to change the world and help others except I wonder how fleeting the odds of accomplishing that are even as I find the redeeming aspects of my new job after every shift every pat on the back every joke every $3 tip easing the weight of this labor on my body that makes staying here a little longer a little more okay a little bit more worth it in order to keep my dream alive helping others with my research returning their investment in me as an employee with a work ethic that drove all my other goals regardless of how menial it feels sometimes hoping to find the center of someone who is both all in and chasing aspirations wondering if that exists while my body aches and all reminding me that time is another factor to consider. I blow out the candle. Sleep.

(click here to play “A Beautiful Life” by Heartless Bastards)